Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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