just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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