I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
There r osticjed everywhere
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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