Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
