She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
