I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
