what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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