no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
