Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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