So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
