apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
