a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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