Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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