I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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