I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
