Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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