Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
