what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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