just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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