I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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