I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
birth control should be required to get into college
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
