how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
