Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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