Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
