I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
