I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
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