sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
