Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
