Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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