tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
its not stalking. its research.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
