Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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