Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
