I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Blood and glitter go together right?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
