my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
