getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
