Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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