I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
