Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
