i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
