hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
