Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
