and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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