Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
