Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
