Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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