What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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