remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
