I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
