Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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