You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
