Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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