you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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